we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
