The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
