3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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