im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
