Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
