And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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