Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
