I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
