Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
