Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
