the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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