my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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