I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
