can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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