We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i out mim tonsoeep
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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