don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
