Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize