oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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