Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
