I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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