Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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