we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
