Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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