If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
