Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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