I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
