I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just gargled with NyQuil
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
