I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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