Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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