You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
