I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
