im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
sarcasm needs its own font
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
