remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
