we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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