the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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