the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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