I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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