I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
