He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
