You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
