I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
