I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
