hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
