that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
