I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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