Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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