tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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