Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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