i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
