I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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