No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.