i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
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Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.