I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?