She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.