I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.