I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ketchup is God's man juice
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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