I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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