He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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