I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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