im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
