I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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